After 24 years, the Kassams are on the move. This house has seen more than you can imagine, but that is a post for another day. Right now, we have a slightly urgent matter to handle.
Thanks to a bastard contractor that has a special place in hell reserved for him, one where he will be force fed boiled cabbage soup, have only country music to listen to, and be perpetually stuck on Mombasa Road traffic on the last Friday of the month when the Nairobi skies have opened up…oh, and he has an itch in the middle of his back which he just can’t reach. Did I mention he has to pee really badly. Yes, you get my point. We do not have a house to move into. So we now have 7 Kassam family members that have been rendered homeless for at least a week.
We are now looking for temporary homes for the following 7 frazzled, very dusty human beings, and 3 canines. For full disclosure sake, I will be sure to paint an accurate picture of what you can expect. If there are any kindly souls who would agree to take in strays…please say which in the comment section.
Dotty yet Utterly Delightful Granny – this late 1920’s model is very low maintenance, with a generally cheerful disposition. She performs best when fed a diet of Pizza and sodas. Warning, comes with low RAM, close to 99% deafness but on the plus side, an almost perfect autocorrect function. Has been known to break out into Shakespeare if given the slightest encouragement.
Suave, Sophisticated Silver-Foxed Grandfather – This model comes in pristine packaging, and spends at least an hour each day on self-maintenance involving an assortment of hair crèmes. Very affectionate. If anything goes missing, is fantastic at finding lost items, even if it takes 2 weeks to find that lost safety pin, dammit. Expert baker, but does not take kindly to interference during the baking process.
Witty and Recently Retired Father – This 1950s model has recently undergone refurbishment, and now sports snazzy sunglasses. Wonderful storyteller with an acerbic wit and tendency to guffaw loudly out his own jokes. Warning. Do not feed whiskey, as is prone to make you listen to old ghazals and wax nostalgic for hours. Bonus – comes with full box set series of Friends.
Human Resource Mother – Coming in a beautifully elegant form, this model comes chock-a-block with hugs and wisdom. A woman of many skills and a killer T-bone steak recipe. Perfect if you enjoy a daily dose of inspirational sayings (occasional lectures). Warning, decision making is not her forte.
Ms. Scatter-Brained – This curly haired model has a penchant for jokes, but is easily distracted. Her gold-fish like memory means you can keep her entertained for hours. Warning, has been known to have careless tendencies, and some call her flaky. These ‘some’ are not to be trusted!
The Disciplinarian – This small model packs a punch. Best known for her fastidious personality, she will insist that all around her is cleaned and put in order, whether it is her own house or not! On the plus side, she does have a surprisingly bizarre sense of humour and absurdly good cake-baking skills.
The Imitator – This 1980’s model comes complete with documentary crew. What better way to channel your own Kardashian. Warning. Under no circumstances loan him your car. Under his hands, vehicles seem to magically be attracted to metal poles. Also, mention the rally at your own peril. Once started on this tangent, is very difficult to shut up. If you hear a voice that sounds uncannily like yours, do not worry, you did not accidentally acquire a parrot, this is just a glitch in this model’s operating software.
Bijou – gentle white giant canine, who needs a lap to rest his old head on.
Tyson – very moody but annoyingly cute mutt with a skittish nature.
Shaka – excitable and ugly puppy, whose enthusiasm for digging holes is only matched by his appetite for EVERYTHING including steel nails and dead rodents. Warning – is a hugger!
The writer takes full responsibility for all rambling like tendencies and all spelling mistakes. This post has been written under the influence of a warm Tusker Malt which is well deserved after having ingested a mountain full of dust, and a particularly harrowing day of packing.
Happy Lovers day! Show some love. Take in a stray today.